When Forgiveness Becomes a Weapon Against Yourself

"Do you think you could ever forgive him?"

When friends asked me this in the months after my sudden heartbreak, their voices carried something heavier than curiosity. They'd respond before I could answer: "I couldn't. Not after that. In fact, that's why I'll never open my heart to love again—I've been too deeply wounded by betrayal."

Their words haunted me because I understood. I saw in their eyes what unprocessed heartbreak looks like years later: protective walls built so high that love itself becomes the enemy.

Then during a meditation, I heard different words: "Have you forgiven the boy but not the man?"

That question changed everything.

The Spiritual Bypass Trap

In spiritual circles, there's immense pressure to forgive quickly. To "raise your vibration." To "choose love over fear." These phrases sound enlightened, but they often become weapons we use against ourselves.

Spiritual bypassing—using spiritual concepts to avoid uncomfortable emotions—keeps us stuck. When we force forgiveness before processing the actual betrayal, shock, and grief, we don't heal. We just bury the wound deeper.

Real spiritual practice includes sitting with the mess. Honoring all emotions, no matter how uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Acknowledging that parts of us may never forgive certain behaviors even as other parts find peace. This isn't failure—it's honesty.

Forgiveness Happens in Layers

Here's what I've learned both personally and professionally: authentic forgiveness unfolds in layers, especially after sudden, disorienting heartbreak. We don't just wake up one day and forgive. We can't think our way there or shame ourselves into it.

The shock of unexpected abandonment doesn't just hurt in the present moment. It reactivates every layer of past trauma—every previous abandonment, every time we felt "too much" or not enough, every childhood wound about being left without explanation. These layers don't heal simultaneously. They can't be bypassed.

Working Through the Layers

My book guides readers through this layered healing process, combining psychological techniques like parts work with spiritual practices I've refined over decades. Because sometimes our wounded inner child needs different forgiveness work than our adult self does. Sometimes we forgive intellectually before our body releases the trauma stored in our nervous system.

The work involves honoring each part of yourself that needs healing—the part that feels betrayed, the part that saw warning signs, the part that still hopes, the part that's finally ready to release. Real forgiveness emerges not from forcing it, but from doing the deeper work that allows it to surface naturally.

The Alternative

My friends who've closed their hearts aren't wrong to protect themselves. But I've watched what happens when heartbreak goes unhealed: the protective walls don't just keep out potential pain—they keep out joy, connection, and the possibility of being truly met by someone capable of showing up fully.

That's not the ending I want. Not for myself, not for my clients, not for you.

If forgiveness feels impossible right now, you're not alone. If well-meaning people keep telling you to "just let it go," know that your resistance is wisdom. There's a path through this that honors your wounds while reclaiming your capacity for wholehearted love.

More updates soon.

With love, Lisa