As the second plane went into the twin towers on 9-11-2001, I was on the phone with my sister. She had asked if it was World War III. I told her there was not yet information. The next five words I heard from her changed my life forever. “At least I’ll die happy.”  There had been many days I felt too sick to move as stress was manifesting in my body. Often times, I even felt “near death”. I exclaimed to myself with tears streaming down my face, “NO MORE! NO MORE! If I have to live in a cardboard box, I will be happier than this! NO MORE!”

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I had left my marriage with a mild case of PTSD and a promise from my husband that he would see me “penniless and living on the street.”  My eating disorder was out of control and I had gained about eighty pounds. My self-esteem couldn’t have been any lower after withstanding years of emotional abuse, while trying to make the marriage work for the sake of the children.  

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My career in broadcast engineering was obsolete, because I had left my career to stay home raising my children for ten years. After going through a contentious divorce, I had to support myself and soon. I went into this marriage as a strong, confident, and independent woman, and came out “a shred of a woman,” as my friend described me.  I didn’t think I was capable of making it through graduate school and was terrified of life as a single mother with little support. Fear had become my best friend.  

But, I did it anyway…..

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The Journey to the Heart

The truth is I began to overcompensate. No longer allowing myself to be a victim, I went into overdrive and became an overachiever. I went to graduate school which was necessary as I needed a new career, but I nearly killed myself to graduate Summa Cum Laude. I worked two jobs to pay the bills and built a coaching business at the same time. Empowerment was the name of the game.  As I got into recovery with the eating disorder, overworking took its place. Although I thought it was necessary financially, it was another form of medication indeed.  I had lost myself in the marriage, but little did I know I was taking myself further away from my authentic self.

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The Journey Inward

“You don’t have a wall, it’s a thick brick wall with barbed wire around it. I don’t know you, not really” she said.  I had no idea what my friend Sherry meant at that point. I thought I was the most authentic person around, but in truth I wasn’t. Extrovert isn’t synonymous with authentic.

If only I had known then, that the barbed wire fence I had around my heart kept me not only from others, but from myself and from my wildest dreams, desires and goals. I had to find my heart and heal from the shock and trauma that had accumulated over a lifetime.  

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Becoming Unfrozen

In therapy, I learned to release victim consciousness and accept accountability for my part in the demise of the marriage. I worked hard and with help healed the core issues that lead to a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior from others. I eventually forgave him for all, and most importantly forgave myself. The most profound work I have experienced in my healing journey has been that of Heart Centered Hypnotherapy, which I later studied and continue to enhance my skills with advanced study. It was with this form of depth psychotherapy that I was able to shed the layers that had covered my heart and recover my authentic self.  Today, I live a heart centered life, love every day of my work, have connected relationships and see life as the adventure and gift that it is.