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What to Do When He Disappears and Comes Back

couple fighting

You thought that everything was going well. Perhaps you were dating a month or even longer. Then suddenly, he stops contacting you and disappears. There are many reasons why men disappear seemingly out of nowhere. You must realize however that it was not “out of nowhere”. There were signs that you either did not see, did not want to see or ignored. Most likely, contact began to dwindle, you saw less of him and there was a delay in answering your attempts to get in touch. Now he has returned, and he wants to get together.

Perhaps you have been pining away and heart sick since he left, you are so excited that he contacted you and want to give him a chance. Even more difficult, you finally decided to move on when he suddenly contacts you and you feel conflicted. Or, maybe you are already clear that this kind of treatment of you is just not okay with you.

Do not rush to respond to his text before you consider some important facts and strategies. Yes, he may have had a difficult childhood, unresolved trauma from a past relationship or a difficult period of stress in his life. The reasons may all be valid, but you still deserve to be communicated with and treated with respect.

Some hard realities to consider:

His lack of communication clearly shows that he was thinking more of himself than of you.

He did not value you enough

You were not his highest priority

He may have issues with commitment

He may be unsure how he feels about dating you.

Set your standards and have clear boundaries

Get clear with yourself on what experience you want and are willing to have in a relationship.

Ask for a phone call and do not communicate by text.

Communicate kindly and see what he has to say. Ideally, he will bring up his disappearance act and make an apology. Perhaps he says all the right things and you are willing to give it a try. If he does not, makes excuses or seems to act indifferent this could be a waste of your time.

Communicate kindly, clearly and directly what you want moving forward.

If you allow the behavior without confronting it, the behavior will most likely happen again. Be assertive and grow from the experience regardless of what you decide.

Lisa Angelini, MAPC, LPC, ACHT


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