How to Know if a Man is Worth Pursuing?
First, let us address the topic of “worth”. Every person has value and worth just because they are living and breathing. Whether you want to be in a relationship with someone, is something altogether different.
Determine your goals for dating. Ultimately, are you looking for a long term committed relationship or a casual dating experience? If you are looking for a long -term relationship, you will need to pay attention and not settle for less than what you want. It is important to get clear on what you want. What experience do you want to have in your relationship?
To do this, identify what qualities you would like your relationship to have. For example, would you like your relationship have the following qualities: light- heartedness, committed, fun, heart-centered, supportive, mutually respectful, loving, sexually compatible?
You must elaborate in detail and have a very clear picture to attract the experience that you want. In my work as a dating and relationship coach, a common client theme is that they desire a relationship so much, they end up ignoring obvious signs and signals that a relationship may not be worth pursuing.
What partner qualities are important to you? For example: funny, creative, sexual, spontaneous, grounded, loyal, good communicator, financially responsible, likes to travel, sense of spirituality or not? Again, be clear and detailed here.
What personal qualities do you bring to the relationship? Some women have trouble with this one especially if there are issues with self -esteem. You must be that which you want to attract. If there is unfinished healing work of your own to do, now is the time to engage. Perhaps your own qualities are that you are caring, loving, fun, loyal, committed, good listener, family-oriented, etc. Remember, you are a prize. For someone to value you as such, you must realize this yourself.
Most importantly, what are the deal breakers? People will have different ideas of what might be a deal breaker for them in a relationship. Some common ones are: Smoking, drinking, drug use, certain political affiliation, disrespect.
Make lists of these qualities. If someone does not meet the criteria, but you are wildly attracted to them, don’t pursue it. Physical attraction alone will not be enough to sustain a fulfilling relationship.
Now, that you have gotten clear you can focus on him and if you want to pursue him further.
Ask questions and listen to his answers. Are his answers thoughtful or dismissive? Does he seem to be straightforward in his approach or elusive and avoidant? We are looking for transparency and openness.
Does he seem generally interested in you? Does he ask you questions and really listen to the answers? Does he ask further questions after he gets the answers?
Do not make excuses for behavior that is not considerate of your time or feelings.
Is he happy to see you? Does he reach out to you – calling and texting often?
Does he ask when he can see you again?
Are his actions clear so that you don’t wonder if he likes you?
Are his words and actions consistent?
Does he do what he says he will do?
Take your time. We are all on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. Only time will reveal certain habits, tendencies and behaviors. If you have concerns in the beginning this should be alarming to you. Remember, this is his best behavior. Run fast in the other direction.
Most importantly, honor your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Lisa Angelini, MAPC, LPC, ACHT